Mr. Christ Goes to Washington

It's hot.  My brain is sweating.  So this post has little to do with my usual themes.  Or then again maybe it does.

You didn’t know that Jesus Christ was running as a third party candidate for President of the US?  Well, neither did I.  Which just shows what happens, with a real grass roots campaign, that can’t afford TV advertising and the like. The Truth, divine or not, depends on good PR and media access.

I talked with GOP strategist, Morton Mammon about Mr. Christ’s candidacy.  Later, I will talk to a Democrat spokesperson.  Neither person liked Mr. Christ's platform very much, which is mostly about real-world human needs. Conventional politics, by contrast,  is about delusion and illusion.

Mammon:

Look, we don’t know how he got on the ballot in the first place.  It was a kind of miracle, considering the fact that the guy doesn’t even have a birth certificate.  So maybe somebody, somewhere was pulling strings.  I'm not naming names....

Me:
Good. That would be blasphemy  I think.

Mammon.
Anyway... Like, nepotism anyone?  As you know, we Republicans just want a level playing field.  But to do that we need rules about who can play and who can’t. You gotta follow the rules.  Can't have everybody playing.  Just one percent or so.

This guy appears out of nowhere, with no explanations about what he’s been doing for the last 2000 years – and no endorsements or support by a corporation.  Did I mention no birth certificate?

Me:

Yes, you mentioned the birth certificate.  So you are suggesting that the Big Guy Up There intervened -- unfairly?

Mammon:

I’m not accusing anyone of anything.  Just that there are some obvious irregularities.  And the fish rots from the head, goddammit. 

Look, Citizens United – which is now the Law of the Land says only corporations get special preferences.   Besides….who it this Christ guy anyway?  Who's his Dad? This is not the same guy  we Republicans know.  Like, he doesn’t even have a license to carry.

 He looks really middle eastern, wears Arab clothes.  The long hair, the beard – just like Osamu.  Yeah, the Muslims love him. Why, they even mention that in that little green book of theirs, the Coo-ran.   He's really a Muslim, y'know.

Me:
I think you mean the Koran – and it’s not little and green anymore than the bible is little and purple-brown.  Yes, Jesus is revered in Islam.  But then he occasionally gets respect in some versions of Christianity sometimes too, don’t you think?

Mammon:

Yeah, well, that’s a different Jesus.  Our Jesus  knows poor people are just lazy.  Our Jesus hates fags.  This guy hangs out with twelve guys  --or gays (laughs) -- and the homeless.  He’s a carpenter he says. Belongs to the union maybe?  

 But when was the last time you saw him with a hammer and nails?  (Laughs) That was the crucifixion and he wasn’t the one doing the hammering, for Chrissake. (laughs again).      

Our guy is for job creators like Mitt.  This guy disses the ‘Rich’ .  Like,  he used to drive the money lenders from the temple.  Fortunately we have the NYPD to keep away from Bof A.  

This other Christ guy is  a socialist.   Loaves and fishes – what’s that but redistribution?  And did I mention he doesn’t have a birth certificate?

Me:

Well, yes, you mentioned that.  And, yes, Mr. Christ has been identified with progressive causes.

Mammon:

Progressive?  He’s a fuckin’ commie -- for god’s sake.    And  look at his private life.  Kinky.  Gets his feet washed by whores.       And he has these huge meetings, with his so-called “following” which we have to get  broken up by the cops because he never bothers to get a permit.  Thank god for rubber bullets and pepper spray.  I think it is fortunate that the media are ignoring him.

Me:

Yes, there has been no mention of him. Don’t you think it unusual? 

Mammon:

Nah….  I know all five guys who own the American media and they agree with me.  The guy’s just a loser.  Anyway, there are more important things to publicize like American Idol.

Me:

You’re a born again Christian right?  

Mammon:

Yeah, Jesus changed my life.  But that’s our Jesus.  And he’s dead, thank God.  And when he comes back, he’ll be kickin’ lefty butt, with an M16 in either hand. This other guy – he’s all loveydovey --don’t pay your student loans, organize against foreclosures.  Look,  there’s a big difference between going to church and being a Christian and following this new Christ guy. 

Like, he doesn’t hang out in churches anyway.  Nor does his old man.  Did I mention they're really Muslims? 

Word also is that he’s pro-choice and pro-Palestinian too.   He should be in Gitmo – not  running for President.  This is un-American. 

And did I mention, he doesn’t have a birth certificate?

Me;

You know that your candidate, Mitt Romney is a Mormon. And the Mormons believe that Jesus visited America and lived here ministering to the Nephrites, which makes me more or less an American?